POLITICS FEBRUARY 24, 2012
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Mitt Romney Visits Michigan
“I love this state. It seems right here. The trees are the right height. I like seeing the lakes. I love the lakes. There’s something very special here. The Great Lakes, but also all the little inland lakes that dot the parts of Michigan. I love cars. I dunno, I mean, I grew up totally in love with cars.”
—Mitt Romney, February 16, 2012
Mitt Romney Visits Arizona
“I love this state, too. It seems right here. Even more right than Michigan. The heat is the right temperature. The spines on the cacti are just the right sharpness. I like drought. I enjoy canyons. I grew up totally in love with canyons. There were pictures of canyons on my bedroom wall. I also love mountains.”
Mitt Romney Visits the Dentist
“I love this place. I love drills and fillings. I love plaque, and also the removal of plaque. I like teeth that are inside the mouth, but I also like teeth that are outside the mouth. I grew up totally in love with novocaine. I’m addicted to novocaine. I wish I could go to the dentist every day, and get a shot of novocaine. My dentist is just the right height. He’s also approximately the right width.”
Mitt Romney Visits the Bathroom in the Coach Section of a Commercial Airplane
“I am absolutely in love with this place. The toilet is just the right size. I love cramped spaces that smell like human waste. I’m totally in love with used paper towels. I like it when other passengers flush the toilet, but I also like it when they don’t.”
Mitt Romney Visits a Department of Motor Vehicles
“I love this place, so much. The lines are just the right length. Not too short. I hate short lines. I love how this place hearkens back to a simpler time in our history, before we knew how to efficiently process people through a system that could very easily be automated. I grew up in love with civil servants struggling to perform simple tasks. There’s something very special in here. The eye charts. I love eye charts.”
Mitt Romney Visits Rick Santorum’s House
“I really love this place. I love tiny houses that only cost one or two million dollars. I grew up in a bedroom about the size of three of these houses. I love the domestic staff that works inside a house, but also the staff that works outside a house. Where is all the staff? I don't see them. I think this house is terrific, especially given the size of Rick Santorum. I think he is the perfect depth.”
Jeremy Blachman is a freelance writer and the author of Anonymous Lawyer, a comic novel about corporate law.
12 comments
Funny stuff, Jeremy. But it's also sad. I grew up in Michigan loving cars, too. I'm lucky I never desperately wanted to be president like Mitt does. I might say something in my home state on the campaign trail that sounds like an SNL skit--and be sadly serious about it.
- magboy47.
February 24, 2012 at 12:13am
He may like all those things, but deep down his favorite thing is firing people.
- Attrill
February 24, 2012 at 10:29am
You forgot "Mitt Visits Canada With His Dog, Seamus."
- Sophia
February 24, 2012 at 2:43pm
This is pretty funny, but I imagine it wouldn't be that hard to get just as many true examples with a little Googling. "I love Irish Setters. They fit right on top of the car. Not like Great Danes, who would crush the roof, or dachshunds, who roll right off when you turn a corner."
- GeoffG
February 24, 2012 at 3:08pm
LOL! And Mitt repeated the "trees are the right height" line today in a major speech.
- Thunderroad
February 24, 2012 at 6:12pm
I love hot butchers for the world. I love tool makers, stackers of wheat. I love to play with railroads and I love to handle the nation's freight I love stormy, husky, brawling cities of big shoulders. I love to steal from Carl Sandbug, even if he was a socialist.
- skahn
February 24, 2012 at 7:01pm
Darn. It's supposed to be hog butchers for the world. But maybe Mitt has gone kosher, or maybe he's just hot for Chicago boys.
- skahn
February 24, 2012 at 7:03pm
He also said streets were the right size in Michigan. And later, in order to emphasize that he and his family own Michigan-made cars, he said that his wife owns 2 Cadillacs. Not smart in economically-challenged Michigan. Nitwit Mitt made these idiotic comments in cavernous Ford Field, where the Lions play. There were 2,500 people in chairs on the field and 65,000 empty seats in the stands. Obama could fill Ford Field up, even in the primary season. Romney couldn't even fill the choice seats in the front rows of the stands. If I were him, I'd fire the guy who scheduled this event.
- magboy47.
February 24, 2012 at 7:06pm
That was laugh out loud funny.
- IggyPop
February 24, 2012 at 7:38pm
Boooo!!!! I like this comment by Romney as I feel much the same. I have lived all over the country and a few different countries and I always love going back to my home state of South Dakota. Where, as I would say it, there are just the right amount of trees, the wind blows just the right amount, the sun shines in the right way and it gets up at the right time of day for that time of the year. Perhaps I am projecting too much but I feel this is Romney being real for once.
- ahlesa4
February 24, 2012 at 8:42pm
Assuming (with no assurance that I am correct) that Mitt will be the GOP nominee, I am wondering if Obama can win a debate by letting Romney do most of the talking and merely raising his eyebrows. No, it can't be that easy.
- skahn
February 24, 2012 at 9:18pm
I really liked this piece. It was just the right height.
- Nusholtz
February 24, 2012 at 9:37pm