AUGUST 22, 2012
“‘God called me to run—that’s the way he thinks,” said Jeff Smith, a former Democratic state senator in Missouri … of Mr. Akin, a six-term congressman who represents parts of eastern Missouri. “I think he thinks it’s his destiny, and so you’re going to have to get somebody pretty high up there—or, in his mind, pretty close to God—to push him out.”
—John Eligon, “A Politician Whose Faith Is Central To His Persistence,” in the Aug. 22 New York Times.
The Lord God spake unto Rep. Todd Akin, R.-Miss., on Wednesday afternoon and asked him to give up his challenge to Sen. Claire McCaskill.
Appearing to Akin out of a whirlwind currently picking up westerly speed and possibly headed for Tampa, according to Miami’s National Hurricane Center, the Creator said that Akin’s comment that victims of “legitimate” rape can will themselves not to get pregnant was an abomination and would render him unelectable.
“Thou art an embarrassment to thy party and thy gender,” spake the Lord. “Remove thyself from this race or I will smite thee and banish thy fellow Republicans from the Oval Office, from the Senate majority, and maybe even from the House majority. I’ve kind of been wanting to do that anyway.”
But Akin defied God, advising him that the good citizens of Missouri had nominated him, and that if God wished him to depart the race then He must be soft on abortion and maybe the Defense of Marriage Act, too. Later, at a press conference, Akin told reporters that he believes true faith means standing fast to your principles, even when God does not. “He’s the Supreme Being,” Akin said, “but He asked me to run, and He can’t just change His mind because of bad press.” Asked to comment, God said He’d decide what to do with the lot of them once the GOP finishes drafting its 2012 platform. “At the moment,” He added, “I’m feeling pretty wrathful. I try whenever possible to respect the separation of church and state. But man, that guy sure knows how to piss me off.”