PLANK OCTOBER 2, 2012
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Mr. Schieffer, whose debate will focus on foreign policy, keeps a three-ring binder on his desk that gets thicker every day with news clippings on subjects like Pakistan and Israel and lists of “smart people” he can call for guidance.
Whenever he sits down with experts, he brings his assistant to take notes.
“I’m a very slow writer,” he confessed.
—Jeremy M. Peters, “Playing Roles of Referee And, Increasingly, Target During Debates,” New York Times, Oct. 2, 2012.
First off, you want to check the remote to make sure the batteries are still working. You can’t watch a presidential debate on TV if you can’t turn the thing on. If the batteries aren’t working, I dispatch my assistant Alice (in her spare time, my teenage daughter) to pick up some double-As at CVS.
Next, give the Barcalounger a thorough going-over. Is the footrest crooked? That sort of thing can take you right out of the flow, so I get down there with a screwdriver and a spirit level and I don’t come up until that baby’s completely horizontal.
Now it’s time to set the color-temperature control. You wanna go with “warm” here, I think. Set tint at midpoint, and lower contrast a little if you’re still on factory settings. I like volume set at three-quarters just in case one of the candidates happens to mumble. To eliminate interruptions cut the power to the doorbell. And of course you want to shut off the phone. Best to do that three days in advance to accustom yourself to silence.
Sitting prep. Everybody thinks sitting is easy. Everybody is wrong. I prepare with a simple Simhasana exercise, three times a day starting in July, though of course I eliminate the lion’s roar at the end. Don’t want to end up doing that during the broadcast.
Clothing. I can’t stress enough the importance of loose-fitting garments, though not so loose-fitting that they risk getting caught in the Barcalounger. Footy pajamas are best if you’ve got them. If not, sweatpants, t-shirt, and a machine-washable cotton blanket to guard against unexpected drafts. If it turns out to be an Indian summer night, loose clothing will allow you to strip quickly and quietly to your underwear. Some watch in the nude, but that’s a matter of personal taste.
Many a debate-watcher has mastered all these details only to run aground on the rocky shoals of snack food. Doritos and potato chips: unacceptably crunchy. Go with Pop-Secret Homestyle microwavable popcorn. Prepare it in advance and then soak it in Corman Liquid Butter for three hours prior to broadcast. Leave 20 minutes to dry, then sprinkle liberally with salt. Make sure you’re well-stocked with paper towels and baby wipes. Keep a pitcher of water handy—the debaters always do—and two Prevail PM adult-sized diapers. Wear one and switch to the second if saturation warrants.
I know what you’re wondering. What if the cable goes out? Keep a laptop handy. But preparation means thinking about the unthinkable. When the laptop doesn’t work you know what to do with that cyanide tablet. Here’s hoping you’ll never have to use it.
9 comments
Sadly, when my cable goes out, usually the Wifi goes with it. You might want to get one of those awful "over the air" digital TV recievers just for backup. Otherwise, thank you for your wonderful tips -- especially the Depends. They're going to have a FEW commercials, aren't they?
- AllanL5
October 2, 2012 at 10:47am
No word of advice for those of us in the crucial what-in-the-world-do-I-do-with-the-puppy demographic?
- Tristan
October 2, 2012 at 10:57am
This post isn't seriously about the debates, but I thought I'd post a serious comment anyway. The problem with the debates isn't the questions, for the most part. Although, obviously, John King leading off a debate by asking Gingrich about his marital infidelity is an example of the rare problematic question. I mean, think about it. Anyone can ask questions. And if someone else in the CPD or the media is writing them up, basically anyone can read questions to the candidates. The problem with our debates is the moderators and precisely how they moderate the debates. If they are to be referees, then they should uphold pretty rigorous standards of truth for the night. They should call politicians on their BS, and since 30 million or more people are watching live, they should not let up on an evasive politician until he answers to the satisfaction of the moderator, if not the audience and fair-minded partisans of the opposition. If they are simply going to sit there and let two politicians hold a joint press conference of the toothless, post-game variety, then I don't see why our debate moderators are built up as the best in fact-finding journalism. Many, many things about "The Newsroom" are infuriating if not tendentious. But one thing that Sorkin got right (even if in the wrong context) is how a real debate ought to go. It's obviously the case that the RNC would not consent to a barnburner debate with a powerful moderator, and I'm not sure that I would blame them too much, considering that there are two dozen debates over the course of a year run at the behest of the party organization and any media that willingly toady up to them. But in the case of the general election debates, which are few and essentially unimpeachable, there's nothing to stop Jim Lehrer from going rogue and conducting a cross-examining debate. Not only would it shock the country and lead to better ratings, it would be a parting shot from an otherwise "pox on both your houses" Washington insider who doesn't have a career or reputation to burnish. It would be enough to move the needle appreciably towards a media empowered to find out the truth and call out the BS, even if the other two debates reverted to the pabulum we're so used to (Obviously the best way to make the debates more substantive is to get it in the rules that the moderators would be a team of journalists who are expert in their areas of focus, backed by a band of fact-check watchdogs who verified claims online in real time, such that the moderators could call out BS before debate moved onto a different segment. This is something that the Obama campaign should have called for, publicly, especially since Romney's people and the candidate himself have been claiming up and down that the Obama campaign repeatedly lies and keeps mendacious ads on the air and warns us that Obama will lie to our faces in the debates. Obama is leading by a comfortable margin, at least for this race. If he'd publicly proposed this change to the debates a couple of weeks ago, it would have forced Romney either to put his money where his mouth is or eat crow and sheepishly find that he couldn't actually agree to a fact-based debate.)
- chaitless
October 2, 2012 at 11:17am
You mean to say you don't have a 3G mobile ready for when the power goes out or the cable takes the WiFi with it? What are you sir, some kind of Hottentot?
- SEBASTIANSALING@HOTMAIL.COM
October 2, 2012 at 11:24am
...or grab your laptop, head to the nearest Starbucks and order a double dry cappuccino, or two just in case the first falls on the floor, or you fall on the floor and need mellowing out! Also, be sure to take a couple of yellow pads plus two pens, and make sure to ask another customer to please take notes until you get your wits together... Finally, LEAVE NOTHING TO CHANCE! You may regret it if you don't!
- Tgossard
October 2, 2012 at 11:24am
I forgot, "And don't drop and break your laptop, it will be a double dry tragedy if you do." (;
- Tgossard
October 2, 2012 at 11:33am
I think one important component overlooked in Tim's inventory is the provision of a tolerant spouse or romantic partner who will provide the necessary audience for loud and irascible locutions such as "Yeah, like you really would have done that!" "Do you think we're all f*****g stupid?" "You didn't answer the question -- how about answering the goddam question?" and of course in the VP debate "Joe, nooooo, don't go there, please!"
- ironyroad
October 2, 2012 at 1:31pm
What debate? They didn't broadcast a debate in the 1920's or so, but I did find a recording of Warren Harding speaking. Boy, was that man a dynamic speaker! Boy, did he get a bad rap! I guess Mitt Romney is the best I can do in a search for a reincarnation of poor Warren, and if I vote for Mitt it will be closest I can do to bring Warren back to life and put him in charge of our country's fate. Now, I better go rinse out the teapot dome.
- skahn
October 2, 2012 at 2:47pm
Romney has already revealed he's very reality challenged -- with his "Obama's Failed President with Failed Policies" mantra. And his "I'm not George Bush, but I'll re-implement his policies". Without a moderator with some supportive attitude for the truth, the debate could simply degrade into a "You're a liar. No, YOU'RE a liar, and here's why. Nu, uh, YOU'RE a liar." ping-pong fest. A true "Debate" only works to reveal truth, if both sides want to reveal the truth. Romney doesn't care to reveal any truth but his own, which is a wishful-thinking Supply-Side truth that won't work, where Obama is a failed president. I fear for the result.
- AllanL5
October 2, 2012 at 3:13pm