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Go Home The Email Obama Should’ve Sent After the Debate

PLANK OCTOBER 4, 2012

The Email Obama Should’ve Sent After the Debate

BY DAVID REES

Last night, I finished watching the Romney/Obama debate, ate a bowl of ice cream in a daze, and was about to go to bed when I got an email from the President: 

SUBJECT: Hey

David —

I hope I made you proud out there explaining the vision we share for this country.

Now we need to go win this election -- the most important thing that will happen tonight is what you do (or don’t do) to help in the little time we have left:

https://contribute.barackobama.com/

Thank you,
Barack

Usually I love getting chatty emails from the most powerful man on earth. But last night was no ordinary night. He should’ve sent this instead:

SUBJECT: Holy shit did I fuck that up or what

David —

Hey. Please don’t delete this email out of spite before reading it. I just watched a tape of my debate with Governor Romney. Wow—did I blow it? Michelle’s a straight shooter, and she just told me Beyonce and Jay-Z probably aren’t going to be our friends anymore.

There’s not much time left in this campaign. That’s why it’s so weird that I let Governor Romney dominate every aspect of tonight’s encounter. He actually managed to come across as more empathic than I am. Mitt Romney! The man has all the charm of a bus schedule. Hey. What was I thinking?

Actually, I know exactly what I was thinking: “Just play a solid defensive game and give Romney enough room to make an ass of himself as he’s done with awe-inspiring consistency for the past few months.” Hey. It seemed like a solid strategy. But I understand if you’re probably asking yourself, Does Barack want this job or not? After all, I knew tens of millions of Americans would be watching the debate; I should have figured out a simple, punchy argument for my re-election -- or, at the very least, a way to string two sentences together without risking a spontaneous, nationwide nap explosion.

Hey.

Couple more things. Hey. Watching the debate footage, I can’t get over Romney’s weird smile whenever I was talking. On the one hand, he looked like a used-car salesman trying to put his best face forward after popping the trunk for a customer and finding a corpse in the wheel well. On the other hand, as Michelle said before slamming the door in my face: “At least HE was trying.” He probably burned a month’s worth of calories keeping that grin in place. Undecided voters (ie. the biggest bunch of idiots on God’s green earth, but what can you do) will probably give him credit for deigning to act like he actually cares what people think of him. (He even deployed the Clinton Thumb of Emphasis! I wonder if Bill licensed that move to Romney, just to needle me?)

In contrast, Michelle was right when she said I looked like I was “auditioning for a mattress commercial and resenting every minute of it.”

The fact of the matter is, Romney had the easier argument to make: “Mr. President, you’ve had this job for four years and people are still hurting. Why should voters give you even more time?” Never mind that his plan for reducing the deficit is to cut funding for PBS! PBS, whose share of the budget is so goddamn small I’m surprised they can afford capital letters.

Maybe now I should admit that I spent 90% of my mental energy during the debate trying to solve the sudoku puzzles I smuggled onto my podium  I wish I hadn’t. I also wish I had countered any of the heaping shovelfuls of Rafalca-grade horseshit Mitt Romney kept flinging around the debate hall. What can I say? The Japanese make good number puzzles.

No more excuses. If you’ve ever donated to my campaign, expect a full refund via Federal Express in the next 24 hours, with my sincere apologies. I can’t justify—let alone explain—why I chose tonight of all nights to perfect my imitation of a barnacle sliding off the hull of a ship.

If you truly feel compelled to donate money this evening, please give to the candidate who actually acted like he wants the job: 

https://www.mittromney.com/donate

Sorry peeps,

Barack 

PS: Hey. I always assumed Romney would smell like vanilla, but he actually reeked of butterscotch. How weird is that?

SHARE YOUR THOUGHTS

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18 comments

My husband wrote a furious letter back to the DNC, having received a solicitation for funds. He complained vigorously about the debate performance and advised them to shape up pronto. I had a different take. I was furious with Romney, not Obama. I wonder if this is a gender and possibly race issue? I identified with Obama, getting abused. PS not by aforementioned husband:) But, in the workplace, including by aggressive entitled (very very white) rich guys like Romney.

- Sophia

October 4, 2012 at 3:17pm

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This is funny stuff. Drof, you should love it. Enjoy!

- magboy47.

October 4, 2012 at 3:22pm

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Romney treated Obama like he was a house Negro, and Obama looked like one sometimes, especially when he lowered his head. But he was listening closely to Romney and thinking! And he won the talking points! Do you think that in some weird way, this will sink in with the public later on? I swear, the majority of we Americans don't even know what a listening/thinking mode looks or feels like. We're too busy attacking, like Romney was Wednesday. Romney is a complete idiot on foreign policy. He's going to attack Obama for the "cover-up" of the fact the the U.S. Embassy officials in Libya were victims of a terrorist attack, not a mob action. Obama's only chance of winning that debate is making sure the audience knows that Romney shoots first and aims later--that his uninformed, rash actions could start a nuclear war. Does Obama have the guts to do something like that? I doubt it. Romney certainly does.

- magboy47.

October 4, 2012 at 3:37pm

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Before it's too late, divide into two countries. One where abortion is illegal, same sex people never lust after each other, and Mormonism lives under the same big myth tent as Christianity. The other country where people slightly in touch with reality live.

- skahn

October 4, 2012 at 4:42pm

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Sophia, one of the more intelligent MSNBC commentators (i.e., not Ed Schultz) noted that Romney's bullying seemed especially unlikely to play with the lady folks. Makes sense to me. As a dude who has also dealt with my share of abuse, Romney came off like a douche.

- miceelf

October 4, 2012 at 4:53pm

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Magboy. It is funny in a sick way-- kinda like making jokes about cancer. Sometimes it's needed to survive. I'd enjoy having beers with BHO (NOT GWB or Mittens). But pleasant bright people often dont make a good Prez, especially in times of crisis. Last night's debate certainly fits that characterization of Obama that we've seen all too frequently-- and will continue to see if re-elected. If the budget crisis hits in 2013 as predicted by the CBO and Keynesian economists and BHO acts as anticipated, will any tnr reafders have second thoughts that they got what they current wish-- and how great it was that Mittens lost?

- drofnats1

October 4, 2012 at 5:39pm

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From the March 21, 2012 New York Times: “Everything changes,” Mr. Fehrnstrom, 50, said on CNN, with a slight smirk that suggested he believed he was about to use a clever line. “It’s almost like an Etch A Sketch. You can kind of shake it up and restart all over again.” That's one promise the Romney campaign is keeping.

- bjones

October 4, 2012 at 6:29pm

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"If the budget crisis hits in 2013 as predicted by the CBO and Keynesian economists and BHO acts as anticipated, will any tnr reafders have second thoughts that they got what they current wish-- and how great it was that Mittens lost?" Nope. Someone in the throes of right-wing fantasy in the White House during a budget crisis? No thanks, I'll take Obama over that.

- Fishpeddler

October 4, 2012 at 7:22pm

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Sophia, I completely agree with your statement about his perception by women vs. men. I worked in corporate America for almost 30 years and saw so many empty suits, always giving us "the 30,000 foot view, aka, "I don't know my head from my ass but I have the time slot and I will blather emphatically for the entire hour, going through each Power Point slide in extremely boring detail, even though you all know what I say is stupid. I literally took my second shower of the day after watching him self importantly spew self-righteous nonsense. He was a rude, arrogant, lying jerk. He was playing to the angry white male and they loved what they saw. Basically they bum-rushed the stage after the event and claimed their lying dude won....round one boys, only round one. Now, Mittens, expectations shift. And you are now expected to repeat and exceed.

- smabry03

October 4, 2012 at 8:06pm

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Sophia & smabry: Watching the debate on CNN, I couldn't help noticing the little lines at the bottom of the screen. They had a group of (supposedly) undecided Colorado voters, twisting knobs to indicate their positive or negative reactions to what the candidates were saying. The green line indicated the men's reactions; yellow line the women's. Guess what? When Obama was speaking, the yellow line was consistently above the green line; when Romney spoke, it was generally the opposite. Definite difference in perceptions!

- bjones

October 4, 2012 at 9:40pm

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For all who say Obama should have raised the 47%, here is what Romney said today:

In this case I said something that's just completely wrong. And I absolutely believe, however, that my life has shown that I care about 100 percent. And that has been demonstrated throughout my life.
This is clearly part of the Etch-A-Sketch, but if Romney had said this in the course of the debate in response to an Obama attack, Obama would have come across as the douche. As it is, he can still hammer Romney on the statement, and he will have avoided the deflating "statesman-like" admission by Romney to his face. Between the male-female reactions, the about-face on the 47% comment by Romney, and what is certain to happen with the fact-checking, I am more than ever convinced that the "passive" Obama was a strategic choice. He might have overplayed it a bit, but if the objective was - and I believe it was - to leave Romney enough room to make all sorts of silly statements, and goad him effectively to lie and lie again, then I think it worked. The dynamics of the next two debates - coming two weeks before the elections - are going to be significantly different.

- icarus-r

October 4, 2012 at 11:43pm

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Yep icarus; that's my take as well. Overplayed and possibly unintentionally so, but Ryan's speech was also initially well received only to become shorthand for a pack of lies. We shall see.

- Nari224

October 5, 2012 at 8:51am

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Fully agree icarus and Nari. Call it BO's Rope-a-Dope. He is way too clever to allow Mittens, or anyone, to play him like that. He simply set Mittens up for the final weeks and, simultaneously, changed the media narrative to light a fire under those Democrats who may have stayed at home on polling night if they sensed that he was a lock.

- vsthomas

October 5, 2012 at 10:58am

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Thanks for writing the article. I too received the email referenced. I was very annoyed, almost appalled. I guess he thinks his mailing list is the Virgin Mobile customer database.

- atlasqq

October 5, 2012 at 11:18am

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Thanks for writing the article. I too received the email referenced. I was very annoyed, almost appalled. I guess he thinks his mailing list is the Virgin Mobile customer database.

- atlasqq

October 5, 2012 at 11:18am

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Sophia, Magboy, you guys point to an important societal narrative. I have seen lots of douchebags like Romney in the corporate world who use, indeed abuse, their position or platform to willfully abuse others and to proffer lies. They see themselves as part of the old (white) boys club and feel empowered to shape and reshape reality; and they do this repeatedly until they meet someone who fights back, exposes their fraudelence, thereby forcing the organisation to confront their malfeasance and its negative reflection on the organisation. Until such a time, though, everyone looks the other way while they practice their deceit and skulduggery. Romney expects to get away with it. Will the media call him on it? If not, don't be surprised to see a Romney administration running the country in such a bullying and nasty manner.

- vst

October 5, 2012 at 11:30am

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Rope-A-Dope for sure. And Romney will surely be the dope once the fact-checkers get done. Bottom line, the debates are largely an exercise in bullshit hyped by the self-interested media. They'll make money for the networks et al but won't have much effect on voting in Ohio, Virginia, and Florida. Looking forward to Biden v Ryan--probably not as informative as Stewart v O'Reilly, but sure to have more slapstick gaffe-o-rama style.

- Robert Powell

October 5, 2012 at 12:53pm

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Following up on the thread about how Romney represents the arrogant, corporatist mentality, I was struck by the fact that almost everything Romney said was filtered through the persepctive of a businessman -- usually the heroic "small business" owner who has magical powers to create zillions of jobs if Obama would just reduce taxes and the "burdensome" regulations. Even regarding healthcare, he emphasized how many businesses would cut insurance. Obama was the opposite -- talking about what the policies mean to the families, the people on the receiving end of the paychecks. This perspective is particularly important with respect to healthcare, when he discussed the millions of families who've been bankrupted when faced with exorbitant costs to treat severe illnesses (even with insurance). (Yes, Romney's point about businesses dropping insurance was meant to imply to employees that they'd lose coverage, but that's not how he framed it because he seems incapable of putting himself in the position of an employee.) I am not the first to point out this difference in perspective. That credit goes to either one of the wise bloggers here or perhaps Steve Benen or a Washington Monthly to Talking Points Memo blogger, who noted that the entire Romney/Ryan campaign is filtered through this lens, i.e., the "makers," not the takers. But it was interesting to see that even when Romney was trying so hard to be likeable, appeal to the middle class, etc., he still could not manage to get out of that mindset.

- shellski

October 5, 2012 at 2:00pm

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