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Go Home Hear Me, Barack Obama Supporters! Here's How To Stay Sane...

THE PLANK OCTOBER 31, 2008

Hear Me, Barack Obama Supporters! Here's How To Stay Sane Until Election Day

BY BEN WASSERSTEIN

Daniel Chun is a writer for “The Simpsons.”Is the election driving you crazy? Are you losing sleep over the fact that the awesomest guy ever might lose the presidency to a grumpy old jerk? Well, the waiting is the hardest part, and you only have to wait four more days. Here’s how to make it through the homestretch without losing your mind.1. Learn how to read polls correctly: Too many people live and die by the fluctuations of polls, which are inherently imperfect. Here’s how to read polls. If the results are good, that means Obama’s winning. If the numbers look bad, that means the poll is a piece of shit and the pollster is a Republican. To make this point to others, make sure to say the phrase “highly suspect internals” a lot. If someone asks you what that means, call them a racist.2. Convince yourself that more of the same is okay: After all, a lot of good came out of the last eight years: Will Ferrell came into his own as a leading man. Kevin Garnett won a title. Hot dogs stayed delicious. Internet porn got awesome.3. Get really into a hobby for the next four days: Something so fun, so wonderful, and so engrossing that you’ll completely forget about the election. Yes, I’m talking about cross-stitching.4. Avoid political discussions: Sure, it’s not totally up to you. Someone could walk up and start talking about politics. That’s why you distract them by wearing one of those Rastafarian wigs. I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised at how much of the would-be political conversation gives way to loud ridicule and name-calling.5. Take a whole bunch of sleeping pills and don’t wake up until Tuesday. Sleeping pills are dangerous, so you have to make sure to take the exact right amount. Here’s how--swallow as many pills as you can until you feel yourself dying. Then just vomit lightly and you should be all set.6. Forget politics and remember what really matters: A child’s smile. The crisp air after a rain shower. The smell of freshly-baked cookies. Music spilling onto the street from a rooftop party. Only some of those things would be outlawed by President Palin.And finally...7. Remember that Obama’s already got this thing wrapped up: Thanks to a little thing called voter fraud from our friends at ACORN! Ha ha ha, you Republican fools! This race will be decided by the likes of “Mickey Mouse” and “Tony Romo”! You neglected the ACORN, and it grew into a mighty oak of corruption! Try again nex--wait, what? Voter registration fraud isn’t the same as voter fraud? Mickey Mouse can’t vote? Oh God, we’re screwed. Everyone panic.--Daniel Chun 

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22 comments

8.  Hookers.

- williamyard

October 31, 2008 at 5:05pm

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6. A child’s smile. The crisp air after a rain shower. The smell of freshly-baked cookies.

C'mon, that is not what matters. Sex is what matters. Now if I could just find a way to have sex continuously for the next 100 hours I will be all set. To be honest, that might even be a little difficult for me, I think my record is stuck in the high 80's and that was last year, I am a year older now. Oh well, it is worth a shot, now if I can just convince my wife to try...

- blackton

October 31, 2008 at 5:08pm

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Thanks, Daniel for the guidance.  I needed it!

- jrcollins2

October 31, 2008 at 5:49pm

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10.  Drive into Mexico from the U.S.  Have a fine old time drinking and carousing.  Allow yourself to be inveigled into a backroom poker game with some shady types.  Lose.  Awake in a field 72 hours later stripped of most of your clothes, all of your money, and the car.  Appeal to Mexican cops to lend you some pants and convince U.S. Border Patrol to let you back into the country.  Vote.

- ironyroad

October 31, 2008 at 5:53pm

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as a physician, i would only slightly amend David's sleeping pill prescription. He is right that typically the right mix is one part "enough to almost die" with one part "light vomit". However, this does not account for the added stress and anxiety brought on by the very strong visual hallucinations involving Sarah Palin and witches that will undoubtedly accompany the mix of halcion and xanax. I therefore recommend a dash of an antipsychotic. I really like Haldol...

- eweiss

October 31, 2008 at 5:58pm

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There is always The West Wing.....watching the whole series over and over and over and over again (with commentary) until the 5th....or for the next 4 years if necessary.  Who can doubt the world would be a better place if Jeb Bartlett was prez....

- lisap1999

October 31, 2008 at 5:58pm

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Freakin hilarious!

- epicciuto

October 31, 2008 at 6:06pm

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"Now if I could just find a way to have sex continuously for the next 100 hours I will be all set."

Blackton, where will you find a woman who's been sentenced to 100 hours of community service and is that desperate not to pick up trash on the highway?

- adaglas

October 31, 2008 at 6:08pm

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11. Manhattans.

- fougasseu

October 31, 2008 at 7:12pm

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adaglas, no problem, your mom volunteered already.

- blackton

October 31, 2008 at 7:14pm

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Or you could volunteer and makes sure he wins. The next four days will suck, but the fifth will be sweet.

- fong_ac

October 31, 2008 at 7:18pm

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why wouldnt having sex with blackton count as picking up trash on the highway?

oh SNAP

- perkowitz

October 31, 2008 at 7:41pm

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My plan is to follow #4 (except for the rast..wig, I wear my hair "natural" but no wigs).  My plan is to completely go into downtime mode for the rest of the weekend.  No blogs, no pundits, no polls.  I don't plan to come back up until Monday evening at the earliest.  In fact, I'm all set.  I've got almost 2 weeks of TV shows on my TIVO, and I'm off from work Mon, Tues, and Wed.  I wasn't gonna watch the returns Tuesday, since Wednesday is my birthday and I didn't want my b-day to be crappy if Obama loses, but eff..it.  If Obama loses, then I'll just drink all day on my b-day.

This election season has been really brutual on my psyche.  It needs a break.

- lamh31

October 31, 2008 at 8:17pm

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adaglas: If she's boinking Blackton for 100 hours, she IS picking up trash by the highway...  ;-)

(Sorry, couldn't resist.)

- dbhuff

October 31, 2008 at 8:57pm

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Do you hear that, Blackton?  The people are clearly behind ME!  Wear it, Blackie!  Wear it!

(Thanks guys, here's your cash.)

- adaglas

October 31, 2008 at 9:46pm

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perkowitz, dbhuff touche.

- blackton

October 31, 2008 at 9:47pm

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Personally, I suggest finding a relatively soundproof room, a pile of good historical books (to remind you that things have been worse), and a some good tunes (I recommend starting with "Give Up the Funk" and improvising from there).  That's not what I'll be doing (I'll be grading tests), but that's what I recommend.

- cspencef

November 1, 2008 at 12:41am

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Or you could enjoy this video:

www.youtube.com/watch

- cspencef

November 1, 2008 at 1:17pm

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cspencef,

Thank you, thank you, for linking to that video.

It made me laugh, and then at the end when the singer kissed her "moose" it made me cry. In her kiss and his smile there was great love.

And it makes me proud, that they did this, just as it made me proud today to read of all the early voters lining up all over the country, of the huge spike in registrations, of the millions of Americans awakening from their slumber.

I have no doubt that the problems currently facing us are the gravest since at least the end of the Cold War, if not since the Depression and World War II. I also have no doubt that these problems are no match for a nation that is awake.

I have few illusions: electing Obama is the easy part. But we can do this.

- williamyard

November 1, 2008 at 10:35pm

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The last two were perfect. But I remember trying to be somehow optimistic 8 years ago minus a couple of weeks, and all my worst fears were realized and then some. And the country was doing ok 8 years ago minus a couple of weeks. And don't tell me "at least he's not Bush". I'm worried about machine vote-flipping, which is the only way McCrazy is going to win. It's already happening in W. Va, and that's just 4 electoral votes. And I hear nary a peep of this in the national press, which is depressing no matter how this turns out.

- psantillana

November 2, 2008 at 3:49am

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#37: Flamewar on Talkback

- stgla

November 2, 2008 at 6:42am

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Actually, volunteering for the campaign isn't a bad way to go here. It's calming when you can actually do something about the problem you are fretting about, even something that will not greatly impact the outcome. And it gets you out of doors and keeps you from clicking "refresh" every ten minutes on RealClearPolititcs, 538, PoliticalWire, SwingStateProject, Prof McDonald's Early Voting Site . . . .

- WillPastor

November 2, 2008 at 1:01pm

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