Andrews Liver Salts

by Luke Dempsey | June 10, 2012

For his first trick, in only the 2nd minute of the game, Mr. Keith Andrews of Ireland watched Mandzukic the Croat make a flying header towards the Irish goal, but then performed an “arms flung out wide to tell everyone there’s no danger here” signal. In doing his “arms flung out wide to tell everyone there’s no danger here” signal, Andrews of Ireland crucially delayed the dive of his goalkeeper. All that was left was for Andrews of Ireland to raise his hands to his head when he realized the ball had actually skimmed past him, and the keeper, into the back of the net. Croatia 1, Andrews of Ireland -1.

Later in the same half, Andrews of Ireland attempted to clear a ball from the edge of the box, but in his over-zealous efforts to kick is far as Irish boss Trappatoni wants (which is all the way back to 1965), Andrews of Ireland shanked it right into the path of Jelavic, a man who doesn’t miss currently. Croatia 2, Andrews of Ireland -2 (yes, Ireland had scored a goal, but you always knew it wasn’t going to matter).

One minute before halftime, Andrews of Ireland attempted to knee-cap Mandzukic the Croat, making the half-time score Croatia 2, Andrews of Ireland -3.

Second half; it can’t get any worse for Andrews of Ireland, can it? There’s a header—weak—and a shot sails over: Croatia 3 (they’ve scored again, as if anyone cares), Andrews of Ireland -5. Then, injury time, A of I gets a free header, only the goalie to beat, 8 yards out: WIDE! Croatia 3, Andrews of Ireland -6. A final chance for redemption: a long-range shot from Andrews of Ireland, but he hits across the ball too much, sending it well past the post. Final score: Croatia 3, Andrews of Ireland -7.

On the TV, color-commentator Robbie Mustoe says, “[Andrews’] finishing’s not been brilliant...but he’s had a great game.”

When I was a kid, if I had an upset stomach my mother would threaten me with Andrews Liver Salts—one spoon to settle you, two to lax your bowels like a tsunami. If I had a bottle handy now I’d take one swig for me, pour out a libation for Andrews of Ireland, and make Mustoe drink the rest.

Source URL: http://www.newrepublic.com//blog/euro2012/103982/andrews-liver-salts