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Go Home The Love That Dare Not Squeak Its Name

THE VINE MAY 8, 2008

The Love That Dare Not Squeak Its Name

BY BRITT PETERSON

Lest anyone think that Isabella Rossellini's foray into zoophilia for the cover image of our environmental issue was a one-time deal, check out this year's Sundance Film Festival, which features a series of short "Green Pornos" directed, written by, and starring the most genetically perfect human being on the planet (thanks to MoJo for the link).

The films feature Rossellini in insect costumes that look remarkably like my "garden fairy" outfit from hippie summer camp, saying in a deeply solemn voice things like: "I have sex several times a day. Any opportunity! Any female!" while humping a giant stuffed fly doll. In other words, they are the best thing I have ever seen, possibly in my entire life (and who says there are no good roles for female actresses these days?).

--Britt Peterson

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11 comments

I wish I could say that I've never before wished I were a giant stuffed fly, but we all know that's not true.

- ratnerstar

May 8, 2008 at 3:10pm

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This is exactly like a dream I once had.  

- boneill

May 8, 2008 at 3:35pm

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Or: plan to have, tonight.

- boneill

May 8, 2008 at 3:35pm

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Or: have repeatedly, every single freakin' night, thanks for nothing psychotherapy!!!

- ratnerstar

May 8, 2008 at 4:00pm

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Remember, in the 2005 remake of "King Kong," when the rescue party suddenly falls victim to all these giant insects and spiders and things?

Remember the giant sucking slug-thing that stood up out of the ooze and grabbed some guy from behind and sucked him in head-first?

Anybody know where I could get, like, a juvenile? Couple of weeks old, maybe?

- williamyard

May 8, 2008 at 4:06pm

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william, and if you're lucky, it won't have those teeth yet!

- bigfish

May 8, 2008 at 4:44pm

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And while we're on the subject...

That giant squid from a few posts back. Now, there's a squid that's too big to pinch. But, okay...work with me on this one...suppose you're an accomplished scuba diver, okay, and furthermore suppose you broke up with your GF a few weeks ago and now you really got some unpopped popcorn rotating in the ol' microwave, if you know what I mean, and so you're diving, see, and you see this here big ol' squid. Say, you come upon it from behind. Not bad.

Now, first thing, if you're a male you want to make sure it's not a male. Not that there's anything wrong with that, except there *is* something wrong, which is that a giant squid's penis is roughly the length of my Honda Civic. If the big fella turns out to be a top, you got a problem, son.

So, let's say you luck out and and you've come across a female squid.  One look and you think, yeah, I'd hit that. Well, what's the etiquette here? I mean, what do you talk about? Ron Paul? Barbara Walters pinching Ed Brooke's squid? I assume sushi's not a good topic.

Or, can you just get down to bidness? If so, do you need to play safe, or is bare-back allowed? If she's into bondage, do you have to restrain *all* the tentacles? And what if you have only get a TJ (tentacle job)? Can you still go back to the bar and bump knuckles with your buds?

See, somebody needs to think all this stuff through.

- williamyard

May 8, 2008 at 5:07pm

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Nothing like a little humor to leaven this leaden campaign. Or divert the mind from global warming for an evening. Please pass the squid.

- liberal reformer

May 8, 2008 at 9:34pm

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When a man's tired of E&E, he's tired of life.

- teplukhin2you

May 9, 2008 at 12:48am

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wyard, I think you're missing a few key points...

"suppose you're an accomplished scuba diver" - You'd also have to keep in mind how much air you breathe.  Presumably, you'd be breathing a lot faster and deeper, and you don't want to prematurely run out of air in your tank (unless you're into that sort of thing....)

"I mean, what do you talk about? Ron Paul? Barbara Walters pinching Ed Brooke's squid?" - You're overthinking this.  Just talk about art theories and play a simple song your wrote on the guitar like normal people.

"If she's into bondage, do you have to restrain *all* the tentacles?"  - This would be easy to do.  Can't tentacles restrain the other tentacles?  I'm not sayin'...I'm just sayin'.

However, you're forgetting about the squid.  What about her needs?  Especially a GIANT squid.  That's finding a needle in a large and unfamiliar haystack.

- bigfish

May 9, 2008 at 11:42am

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bigfish - you seem to know an awful lot about this topic.  Just what kind of big fish are you?

- dhauck

May 9, 2008 at 12:28pm

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