Timothy Noah

Lingerie Football?

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If you fret that most forms of female objectification provide insufficient opportunity for concussions, or if you simply feel that the bread-and-circuses decline of American civilization is proceeding too slowly, have I got a sport for you: women playing football in their underwear. The Lingerie Football League claims to be the fastest-growing sports league in the country, and I don’t doubt it. The dozen or so teams have soft-porn names like Las Vegas Sin, Orlando Fantasy, and Chicago Bliss, and players are warned in their contracts that wearing “any additional garments under wardrobe provided by Producer” without prior consent will be punishable with a $500 fine. The contract also contains a wardrobe malfunction clause, one that’s a bit different in spirit from prevailing policy at the Federal Communications Commission. (The games air on TV, but it’s cable.) Players are “advised that Player’s participation in the Event and the related practice sessions and Player’s services and performances hereunder may involve accidental nudity.” The league founder, a deeply tanned fellow called Mitch Mortaza, is a former contestant on the TV reality show Blind Date (“I’m not out there lookin’ for nuns”). His nickname is “Razor” and he has been arrested for drunk driving and public intoxication (though not recently).

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The op-ed industrial complex has been slow to discover lingerie football. More surprising still, a Google search for “lingerie football” and “Gloria Allred” failed to turn up any evidence that the celebrity feminist attorney is on the case. These troubling market failures will, I trust, soon be righted.

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