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Go Home A Purity Ring For Bambi

TIMOTHY NOAH SEPTEMBER 15, 2011

A Purity Ring For Bambi

BY TIMOTHY NOAH

The moral relativists are at it again. Delegate Eleanor Holmes Norton (D., D.C.) and Reps. Jim Moran (D., Va.) and Chris Van Hollen (D., Md.) have written Interior Secretary Ken Salazar to propose use of a non-lethal immunocontraception vaccine to control the population of white-tailed deer in Rock Creek Park. The deer have taken over this urban park, which runs the length of Washington, DC, posing a danger to motorists. They rut and graze freely on taxpayer-funded flora, exercising rights granted all too casually in our permissive society without a thought in the world about responsibilities. One-shot multiyear contraception will do nothing to undo this tangle of pathologies. What these deer need to learn is that abstaining from sexual activity is the only guaranteed way to avoid unwanted pregnancy, sexually-transmitted disease, and collision with a Chevy Suburban half-ton. A mutually faithful monogamous relationship consecrated by the institution of marriage is the sole appropriate setting for sexual congress. Small chapels should be built at strategic points throughout the park where the proper ceremonies can be performed. Presiding ministers might take the occasion to point out that while the confiscatory tax rate and a regulatory stranglehold are keeping unemployment high, want ads are still full of job listings for able-bodied stags. Sadly, that’s not the policy direction we’re heading in. Next thing Congress will make these cloven-hooved pests eligible to participate in Obamacare so they can obtain abortions courtesy of the U.S. Treasury.

Correction. An earlier version of this post referred, erroneously, to "taxpayer-funded fauna." I meant "taxpayer-funded flora."

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16 comments

That would be a conservative's nightmare. Thanks for the laughs this morning. Timothy.

- liberalref

September 15, 2011 at 10:43am

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Well, you could just shoot the "excess population". But I'm sure people would really object to that. It took a while to get over the "Bambi" idea that deer are cute. They ARE quite cute. But they're also hedge-eating bush-killing eating machines. Sterilization doesn't sound nearly as bad when you put it that way.

- AllanL5

September 15, 2011 at 11:20am

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The Candies Foundation has paid Bristol Palin $265,000 to act as their spokesperson for deer abstinence. In other news, Gov. Rick Perry was questioned about his state's program to promote abstinence among deer, as it was noted that collsions between deer and Dodge Durangos are up 16% in the past year. The Governor sputtered repeatedly that "It's working".

- dubyadoubte

September 15, 2011 at 11:22am

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Hilarious, dub.

- liberalref

September 15, 2011 at 12:13pm

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Just kill them. Allan has it right, he just forgot one thing - they're delicious hedge-eating bush-killing eating machines.

- Attrill

September 15, 2011 at 12:32pm

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Flora, Tim.

- nehocm002

September 15, 2011 at 1:19pm

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True, it's "flora and fauna", and deer ARE the fauna. "Flora" is what they eat. I'll note the attached link mentions the National Park Service would MUCH rather just shoot them, but for various reasons those Congressional Democrats are advising birth-control.

- AllanL5

September 15, 2011 at 1:26pm

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Second Libref, that was funny Peter.

- Tristan

September 15, 2011 at 1:30pm

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What about condoms? Why is it always the female who takes the hit?

- blackton

September 15, 2011 at 1:42pm

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I don't see what's so crazy about the idea of the govt paying for chapels on park land and hiring clergy to ministers to the deer. These days nothing is more important than saving a few bucks.

- Tristan

September 15, 2011 at 2:13pm

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Interesting. All the people who'd kill to protect their hedges. Frankly it makes me kind of sick.

- Sophia

September 15, 2011 at 2:27pm

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Whoops, yes, I meant flora. I'll correct.

- Timothy Noah

September 15, 2011 at 2:51pm

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Shooting them in an urban park is probably not a good idea (bullets have a habit of continuing on in the same direction until they encounter something solid). I suggest once a week, during the morning commute, herd them out on the the capital mall to graze and then in the late afternoon herd them into the congressional chamber while in session and shoot a few of them (the deer) there. That way any stray bullets would only likely hit a congress-critter and we can always elect another one of those.

- dirque

September 15, 2011 at 3:16pm

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I'm with you. The stags are entirely too horny.

- BryanRWA

September 15, 2011 at 3:23pm

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Wait, I thought Chait was gone...

- Francisco Toro

September 15, 2011 at 6:22pm

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Last summer as I was having my morning coffee, I noticed a big buck grazing on my hosta garden. As I went to the door to chase it away, I noticed that there was another big buck also coming into the garden. Its quite unusual to see buck together, so I called a knowledgeable hunter friend to ask him what was going on. His reply: They're probably a couple--This is Massachusetts after all where gay marriage is legal. Perhaps if DC legalized gay marriage the deer over-population problem would go away.

- bufatutu

September 17, 2011 at 8:07am

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