After a disappointing showing in Florida, Newt Gingrich may soon need to give up his dream of becoming President of the United States (not to mention “Definer of civilization”). It will probably be a while yet until Newt qualifies for food stamps, but in the meantime we thought we’d offer him some pro bono career counseling. The former Speaker is ambitious; he’s well-educated; and even if his historical analysis is shoddy, even we’ll admit he’s not a dumb guy. So once he stops pining for the presidency, what should be his next move?
After retiring from politics, Newt could finally get the chance to fulfill his boyhood dream of becoming a zookeeper.
Governor of the First Lunar Colony
We don’t want to get too presumptuous: Obviously, Newt would first have to run for Moon Mayor. But assuming that goes well, he’d be in a great position—after a series of unprecedented, unmoderated Lincoln-Martian debates—to become Governor of the (American) Lunar Colony.
Spokesperson for Ashley Madison
This is the role the ever-debonair Newt was born to play—spokesperson for Ashley Madison, the online dating site for people already married. Take that, OkCupid.
Child Labor Inspector
In November, Gingrich suggested that schools should “have one master janitor and pay local students to take care of the school.” Clearly, no one is better suited to fundamentally reform our enforcement of labor laws, so as to ensure that the nation’s most dangerous tasks are being performed by its smallest, most vulnerable hands.
Newt could translate his extensive marital experience into a lucrative career as a marriage counselor. His advice to husbands and wives would include such sage counsel as "Is she pretty enough to be First Lady?" and "Why don’t we continue this session in my private suite?”
Author of Ronald Reagan: Vampire Hunter
Professor Gingrich could also always turn back to writing speculative fiction. We’ll even get him started with a plotline: The year is 1981. The new president is on a crusade to rid the freest nation on earth of ruthless welfare queens vampires who survive off of federal subsidies the blood of the innocent. Can he do it? As the Gipper would say, there’s no such thing as a free lunch—except for garlic.
Host of Cosmos: A Personal Voyage on PBS
Newt’s penchant for space would translate perfectly into a lead role as host of the rebooted version of the classic educational television show Cosmos: A Personal Voyage. But where the original with Carl Sagan emphasized science and wonder, Newt would spend most of his energy warning about the secular-socialist machine and its plans to build a Death Star.
Live-Action Model for the Film Adaptation of The Life of the Pillsbury Doughboy
It ought to be clear by now that Newt belongs in show business: what he lacks in discipline, he makes up for in raw charisma. One place to start would be to audition as the live-action star of the Pillsbury Doughboy biopic (no, we don’t have any inside info about this production, but we figure it’s only a matter of time). Newt would be a shoe-in for the part—not only for his uncanny resemblance to the gluttonous spokesman, but also for an eerily similar trademark giggle.
Newt Sings Neil: A Cover Album
After hearing President Obama belt out a few lines of Al Green’s “Let’s Stay Together”, Newt will decide he can do one better and release an album of Neil Diamond cover songs. (OK, you got us. We just wanted to run this image.)
Just being Newt is a full-time job
If being Newt is anywhere near as exhausting as being around him, then Mr.Gingrich already has a full time job. (It also explains why he’s never been much good at any other job.)